


but my darling, i am still in love with you.

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Based on spoilers, Birthday Blues, Canon Related, M/M, Pining, yikes these idiots kill me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2017-12-14
Packaged: 2019-02-14 20:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: it's aaron's birthday, and he gets the perfect present from his Perfect Boyfriend, but of course robert's behind it somehow.





	but my darling, i am still in love with you.

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on tumblr a few days ago, wanted to share on here too!

 

 

He's fully aware that he's in a bad mood. He knows, but there's nothing he can do about it because there's this heaviness _slotted_ into his heart which he can't move.

And he also knows why, that's what hurts more than _anything_.

He's in the back room of the pub because his feet have managed to drag him there, and he's just staring down at he table like some nutter.

Suddenly his mum and Liv are there singing him happy birthday, and he's got that terrible little caterpillar cake that makes him feel about _five_.

He's that sort of embarrassed happy, _genuinely_ happy as he smiles up at  and blows his candles out and -

Suddenly he's a fiancé again and Robert's chucking him a rolo.

He didn't get it back then, the sentiment, the crushing weight of it all and what Robert was trying to get across in a room with Chas and Liv but -

He does now, a whole year later and something flutters in his chest when he thinks about the gesture itself. When he thinks about the fact that him and Robert had been in this very room so many times, arguing about being honest and coming out and Robert had always failed to be true to himself.

And then there he was, passing him a rolo and being a fucking sap basically.

Aaron feels the corners of his mouth lift a little as he thinks about it, he's got his heart drumming in his chest and it feels so strange to be back here without any of them.

He's managed to slip away, Liv's got school and his mum is round Paddy's and it's a good thing too because, well he's in the fucking worst mood on his birthday.

Because, he's stupid, ridiculous brain told him that at midnight he'd get a text or something from _him_.

And he didn't.

And then he spent the rest of the night over-thinking that fucked up conversation they had in the hospital.

All, "You're moving on, you're trying to be happy and I promise you I won't get in the way of that."

And, "It might seem weird but, I'm letting you go Aaron. In my head. Maybe in my heart too one day, not sure about that but - all I want is for you to be happy and I don't make you the happiest you can be. I know that. So - I'm finally letting you go."

Aaron bites hard at his lip as he thinks about it, it had been more emotional than he wanted it to be.

A Christmas Day dash down the hospital and all this _love_ bursting out of him for the older man and this need to wrap his arms around him and tell him he wasn't alone.

And yet it had all been so cold and stilted and -

Aaron was being let go.

He feels himself slipping, like he's about to cry and then the door is being knocked on and he turns around.

He doesn't expect Mr 'Working 'till Eleven' to be there with a smile on his face. It makes Aaron feel bad instantly, because he didn't think that he'd make any effort. He didn't even particularly want him to.

"I thought you were -"

"Working? Yeah, I lied about that." Alex says, and well _fuck_ that's a little interesting. He does lie. You're not too messed up for him.

He comes forward, all plain white shirt and trousers with a silver belt and he smiles at Aaron like he's the only person in the room. Well, no, _world_ or something _grand_ like that, and Aaron still just doesn't _get_ it.

"Come with me birthday boy." He says, slips his hand into Aaron's and passes through the back entrance of the pub before taking him back to the Mill.

He tells him to close his eyes and Aaron smiles a little before Alex is putting his hands around Aaron's eyes and guiding him into the house and Aaron _remembers_ it being Robert once upon a time.

He remembers hearing the excitement in his voice, his hot breath on his neck, strong hands against him.

Alex is soft, Alex is slow and reassuring and the sort of bloke who likes cheek kisses a hell of a lot more than neck ones.

And Aaron likes him, he does. Because he makes him feel like he deserves Nice and Normal. And then he thinks of how it ended with _Ed_ and he wants his brain to just forget his exes for a second.

Alex slips his hands away and Aaron blinks out slowly.

He sees a few balloons in the corner of the room and then a few presents scattered across the table.

He tuts, "Alex, you didn't have to -"

But Alex just shrugs. "I wanted to." He says easily and then he's kissing Aaron quickly on the lips. "Happy birthday." He says and Aaron wants to feel like it is.

 

 

::

 

 

Alex has a sense of humour, gets Aaron a box set of Top Gear re-runs and promises that he'll stay up this time to watch them.

It makes Aaron smile, feel a warmth grow through him because Alex has taken a little sentiment and *ran with it and well -

That's nice of him.

So is the small pair of headphones and the card.

It's all nice and Aaron can't fault it, shouldn't fucking _want_ to either.

"There's just one more thing." Alex says, lifts his finger up and smiles.

Aaron feels himself getting worked up by how much he's being spoilt, feels his hands go clammy and then Alex is passing him his last present.

It's in a small white card, and when Aaron holds it up, two tickets fall out onto his lap.

He arches an eyebrow, and then he's smiling because -

They'd spoken the other night, so briefly about how Alex probably likes classical music and they'd _laughed_ and Aaron had mentioned this band, _the_ band, the _festival_ he wanted to go to and then he'd thought of Robert and tried to forget it but -

Alex had remembered.

"Both nights, and then I've booked us dinner at some glamping sort of restaurant nearby where they have some racing tracks for us to go crazy on. I know it's January and it's cold but -"

"It's perfect." Aaron says, the surprise and shock written all over his face. And yeah, he gets carried away with the feeling and presses a hand against Alex's cheek. This feeling of something he can't explain sweeps through him and he's thinking about everything. He's thinking about Alex, and how much he seems to get him, how he listens and understands and not everything has to fucking be about Robert flipping Sugden.

Because Alex, he's here, and he hasn't hurt him, and he's kind and thoughtful and -

"You really didn't have to." Aaron shakes his head. "But thank you." He says heavily, and Alex smiles brightly and shrugs his shoulders.

"You've been down recently." And Aaron flinches, it's been _noticeable_ then. "Just wanted to make you smile."

And he has, and maybe -

Maybe this is what it feels like to move on.

 

 

::

 

 

His mum doesn't embarrass him, thank _God_. The banners are not in sight as he comes into the pub with Alex and orders them both a pint.

"Had a good day love." Chas asks, and she's happy and he's on the right road towards that feeling too so,

"Yeah. I have actually." He clears his throat and leans over the bar. "Alex got me a few things." He says and Chas nods.

"He's a good egg." She muses, and Aaron's eyes flicker a little. "What?" She asks and then she sighs. "He's obviously smitten so don't go thinking you should get out now. He's good for you."

And Good _is_ Good.

It really is.

 

 

::

 

 

Okay so his mum has to embarrass him apparently.

She dims the lights in the pub like people aren't just there for a nice drink after work and then she's approaching him with this big cake with his name on it and Marlon's already at the bar taking credit for it.

"Happy birthday to you." Chas finishes, along with Liv and Alex and the rest of the pub and -

Robert makes it in time to finish the song off too, his deep low voice catching Aaron's ears and for a second he only looks at him. He's standing there by the door, and he's actually smiling as if it doesn't hurt that he's not sitting where Alex is.

Aaron just marvels at his strength for a second before Alex is shoving at his arm, telling him to make a wish and he blows the candles out before he gets the chance to think about what he really wants.

 

 

::

 

 

He bumps into him outside the toilets, sees Robert throw him a casual smile and then dig a hand into his pocket.

"Had a good day?" Robert's asking, and Aaron shuffles on his feet before nodding. "Good, you deserve it."

Aaron frowns a little before gulping hard. "Cheers." He says before opening his mouth and then closing it again, unsure of what he's supposed to say now.

But Robert doesn't give him the chance, opens the door of the bar wide so that the little bubble they were just in is exposed. "Happy birthday mate."

And Aaron feels his insides turn to ice and specs of something fizzle over his body. And then he's gone, he's back towards the bar and Aaron decides to give himself a minute before he goes back inside.

 

 

::

 

 

Liv just wants Aaron happy, so she pushes for Alex to go back to theirs and promises that her and Gerry will stay out of their way for the _whole_ night and well, she can't make it any clearer.

Alex does this cute little awkward smile thing and Aaron relents, closes the door of the house behind him and feels Alex step into his space.

"Had a good day?" Alex says, and Aaron's eyes widen before he shakes Robert out of his mind.

"Course I have. Despite the whole sing song in the pub, I _hate_ the attention." He groans, goes towards the fridge and picks out two bottles of beer.

Alex laughs, "Good thing I didn't go with the whole surprise birthday party at the pub then." And Aaron wants that to be a joke, it must be.

Aaron smiles slowly. "Was that your first plan then?" He jokes, only Alex actually nods and his face falls.

Alex walks towards the sofa and sits down as Aaron follows him, "Your ex didn't seem to think it was a great idea."

And everything just dies away.

"What?" Aaron blurts out, his hands turning numb from the coldness of the beer bottle.

Alex looks up at him, "Yeah. I mean, good news is he doesn't seem to hate my guts anymore. He even jogged my memory about the whole festival thing." He says, so easily and he's too kind and nice to see what he's done.

Because, _now_ Aaron knows that it was Robert who pushed for the quiet celebration at home, for the thoughtful tickets to the festival, for the dinner somewhere nice to make it special.

It wasn't _Alex_ who knew him well, that was thoughtful like that and just _got_ him despite how much of a closed book maniac he could be.

No, of course it was Robert flipping Sugden.

"Aaron?" Alex says, and Aaron shakes himself back into reality, frowns and apologises and says  _Oh, that's nice of him._

And then he's on the sofa, and he's watching mindless TV until his brain wants to explode and he jumps up.

"I need to go out for a second," he says, reaches for his hoodie and hates the way Alex frowns at him. "Sorry." He blurts out.

Alex's is nice about it, of course he has. And then he's frowning harder because he's concerned and Aaron tell him that he's fine, doesn't give him a reason though. He doesn't want to lie to him, he really doesn't.

 

 

::

 

 

Only he's charging down the Main Street like a maniac, full of this confusion and anger and then he's seeing him.

He's just standing there looking fucking perfect and Aaron hates him. He's got his coat up and he's staring up at what used to be their bedroom when they were _boyfriends_.

And then he's walking towards Vic's cottage but Aaron cuts him off.

"Alright?" Robert says, looks too cold to want to stand and chat but Aaron's dragging him towards the back of the pub and slamming him against the brick wall. "What the -"

"You just _can't_ help yourself can you?" Aaron's seething, because he hates this, he hates how every single fucking road has to lead back to Robert. Even now, even when he's with someone _else_ , Robert's in the background doing a little dance because he's managed to be involved.

Robert's eyes flicker. "Can't help -"

"The _tickets_." Aaron stresses, hands clumped on Robert's jacket and holding him in place.

Robert's face falls, and Aaron shakes his head.

"You just had to try and _shoehorn_ your way back into today? You made a present that my boyfriend -" he says the word and Robert instantly flinches, he instantly pulls away from Aaron's grip and stands there looking like someone's kicked him. Aaron suddenly wants to apologise, as if it's his fault and then he gulps hard. "You made it all about _you_."

Robert's eyes widen. "How?" He's saying. "You were _dying_ to go to that shitty festival and I ruined it! So now, _now_ you have someone to go with and I didn't want you to miss out on something that makes you happy because of _me_!" He's more passionate now and Aaron frowns at him.

He knows he's telling the truth, of course he does.

But -

"You're full of it." He snaps, and Robert just rolls his eyes. "Why would you give Alex good advice? What could you _possibly_ gain from -"

And Robert just raises his head slowly and shrugs. "Seeing you smile." He says and Aaron feels like he can't breathe.

Aaron takes a step back, starts shaking his head.

"I didn't -"

"You've have the shittiest year. That festival, it made you smile, made you _excited_. And now, you've finally got someone decent enough to share it with."

Only Aaron can't imagine Alex really getting into festival spirit, he'll probably run through the chances of infections as soon as they arrive.

Aaron bites his lip, can't say anything just yet.

"I didn't want him to tell you it was me. I _told_ him to keep my name out of it." Robert stresses, and Aaron looks up and sees the pinkness on his nose. He looks like a little boy who's done a good dead but doesn't want any praise at all.

Aaron's eyes flicker. "Why?"

Robert gulps. "Because I knew you'd think I was ... controlling it, meddling and - I really wasn't trying to." He says, so clear and honestly and Aaron nods his head.

"I know." He blurts out and Robert frowns.

"So then why did you slam me against -"

"Because I was angry." Aaron says, and fuck he's crying now. "Because - because I tried to convince myself that Alex is the kind and thoughtful and - and sentimental one but -"

"He is."

"He isn't you." And there it goes, it's pushed straight out of Aaron's heart and lands in between them, flopping about like a little fish out of water.

Robert's eyes widen, and he gulps hard. "Count that as your first blessing Aaron." He says, so adamantly and Aaron hates himself.

Because his head is a _mess_ and all he wants is to know what to do. But Robert makes the decision for him, he turns to leave.

It's too quick though and Aaron doesn't want him to go just yet and he shouldn't still feel like this but he _does_ , he whips him around and presses him against the wall again.

"Aaron ..." Robert says slowly as Aaron brushes their lips against each other and something fucking fizzles inside him.

"You just wanted me to have a happy birthday." Aaron whispers, hands sliding over Robert's face and he feels like he's drunk on him, like he can't stop this. "And that meant more than picturing me and him somewhere me and you should have been." He blows his breath against Robert and then he's sighing hard and pulling his arms around Robert and -

He's letting go as he holds on and it's odd and sad and Robert still gives the best fucking hugs in the world.

He remembers that.

"You're a good fucking man." Aaron mumbles into Robert's chest. "It'd be so much easier if you weren't." He admits, and everything falls away as they stand their hugging.

Robert rubs at Aaron's back softly and then he's pulling away first.

"Happy birthday Aaron." He says, face still freezing and lips still pink and soft and - he leans in, makes Aaron close his eyes and then feel a fool when he presses a kiss to his cheek instead.

He stays there, holding the side of Aaron's face for a second or two.

And then he's pulling back and smiling and Aaron's lost for words at this changed man who's letting him move on.

"Thank you." Aaron whispers out, standing there helplessly.

"No need." Robert says, and then he's turning and walking back towards his home, the one away from Aaron, and Aaron -

He's walking back towards his, the one with a bloke on his sofa who isn't Robert.

And he knows that whatever is going on between him and Alex has to end, _he_ has to end it. He will, he promises himself as he approaches the door and then he's slowly looking back towards where Robert was standing and telling himself that if Robert is looking back at him then it means something, that hurting Alex and destroying what they could be, is worth it because there's still something there and -

Robert's staring right at him, one hand on the gate, the other giving Aaron a little wave and -

He isn't suffering from the birthday blues anymore.

He can't even wonder why. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought if you have the time! X


End file.
